luckycharm_mods (luckycharm_mods) wrote in xunmian,
luckycharm_mods
luckycharm_mods
xunmian

〘for skyroll〙You’re such a Transformer [1/1]

Title: You’re such a Transformer
For: skyroll
From: Anonymous
Pairing(s): Suho/Sehun (side Chanyeol/Kyungsoo)
Rating: R
Genre (s): Humor, Romance
Length: 7K
Summary: Joonmyun’s friends think he should find a hook-up through Grindr.
Warning(s): excessive drinking, everyone acting horribly OOC
Author’s note: Dear Skyroll, thank you for your wonderful prompts. I wish I could have written that tentacle porn for you, but I simply couldn’t handle the embarrassment. Anyway, you have no idea how much self restraint it took not to start writing OT3 suyeolsoo instead.




"I know what you should do," Kyungsoo says, slurring his words a little as he slams his empty glass down on the table. "You should do something exciting. Something new." He waves his finger in front of his friend's face, leaning in close enough for Joonmyun to smell the scotch on his breath. "Something... unexpected."

"Hear, hear!" Chanyeol chants, his beer spilling over the edge of the tall glass as he raises his arms.

Joonmyun closes his eyes, letting his head fall back against the hard wood of the dark booth they're sitting in. Trust the Demon Couple from Hell to turn an innocent night out drinking into a soul-searching session. When he'd texted Chanyeol earlier that day to go out for drinks, he had made the mistake of mentioning how it had been a while since he'd gotten properly drunk. Now he finds himself getting completely sloshed as his friends take turns shoving liquor shots towards him.

"Thanks, but I have plenty of excitement in my life as it is, with the shop and the two of you. I'm doing fine."

Chanyeol scoffs.

"We're too young and too hot to be just fine," he hiccups, raising a shot glass, filled to the brim with tequila. "Gotta aim way, way higher than that, bro." He holds out the glass for Joonmyun to take. "You should try to think out of the box, for once. Let the booze set your mind free from it's... mind-y prison," he finishes with a satisfied smirk as Joonmyun knocks back the drink. It doesn't look very attractive on him.

"Babe, I don't say this often, but I think you're right," Kyungsoo says. Joonmyun is just sober enough to register that Kyungsoo must now be Offically Plastered because it's a rare thing to hear Kyungsoo call Chanyeol anything other than dickhead or dumbass in public. It had taken a full three months of dating for Kyungsoo to start referring to his taller boyfriend by his birth name.

They had met in Joonmyun's first year at university, when Chanyeol's hair was still long and permed (awful), Kyungsoo firmly believed thick-rimmed glasses looked good on him (wrong) and Joonmyun was certain he'd be top of his class by the end of the year (very misguided). Chanyeol was in Joonmyun's class and Kyungsoo's room was next to Joonmyun's in the newest university dorm. After Joonmyun had introduced them to each other, it took one week for Chanyeol to get into Kyungsoo's pants, three weeks for Joonmyun to learn he would need to buy noise-cancelling headphones to drown out their loud, angry fucking, and six weeks for Kyungsoo to stop writing "I Hate Park Chanyeol" on every possible surface. Seeing his new-found buddies fall in love (even if it was a weird kind of hateful love) had been scary at first, because Joonmyun hated feeling like a third wheel almost as much as being lonely, but they had been surprisingly attentive about it, keeping the PDA to an absolute minimum whenever Joonmyun hung out with them. When Joonmyun had finally asked them if he wasn't intruding, Chanyeol had claimed he'd 'always wanted to be part of a pack of queer hot people' and Kyungsoo had simply shrugged and said 'bros before hoes'. He never mentioned it again and they kept inviting him, after the couple moved in together in a shoddy apartment one year later, even after Joonmyun dropped out of uni 6 months after that.

So much has changed since then, and yet certain things remain the same (such as Chanyeol's utter inability to hold his liquor or Kyungsoo's possessive streak manifesting itself whenever anyone looked at Chanyeol with more than casual interest).
Kyungsoo saying Chanyeol was right about something was definitely a new thing.

"I think you need a little push, something to steer you off the beaten path - be a little more daring," Kyungsoo says seriously.

"Giving up college to pursue my childhood dream wasn't daring enough for you?" Joonmyun counters.

Kyungsoo shuts him up with a dismissive flick of his wrist. "That's peanuts. I'm talking about drastic measures that will significantly improve your mental and physical health." He takes a deep breath. "I think you should get laid."

Joonmyun rolls his eyes so hard they almost pop out of their sockets as Chanyeol cheers and laughs loudly.

Kyungsoo sways in his seat as he leans out of the booth, trying to get the attention of a waiter, holding on to Chanyeol's thigh for balance. "My point is, if my observations are correct, and I'm sure they are, you haven't gotten any ass since the shop opened." He waves at the bartender and points at the plate of empty shots on their table. "It'll do you good to let off some steam - and don't try to tell me you don't need it, with Baekhyun as your roommate."

"Do I need to remind you of the last time you tried to get me laid? Or the time before that?" Joonmyun asks as he reaches for the last shot glass, because he's not nearly drunk enough to handle Kyungsoo in matchmaker mode. "Whenever you guys set me up with someone, it ends in disaster."

Kyungsoo grunts. "Okay, so maybe Luhan wasn't entirely compatible with you-"

"He asked me to chain him to the fire hydrant in front of the dorm. Naked." Joonmyun says.

"Eh, different kinks, different tastes, we're all God's children," Kyungsoo replies with a shrug.
Joonmyun squints at his friend. "We were on our second date!"

"Fine. How about Yunho? You liked him."

"I liked him very much until he told me about his boyfriend. I already told you," he says with a pointed look to Chanyeol, "I'm not a fan of threesomes."

"Don't knock it 'til you try it, bro," Chanyeol mumbles.

"I'm done taking your relationship advice, is all I'm saying," Joonmyun says, leaning back as someone of the wait staff puts down a new plate of shots on their table . He silently prays his definite tone will put an end to this line of conversation. It doesn't.

Kyungsoo smiles, the dangerous one that spells Bad News For Everyone. "How would you feel about taking a more scientific route towards your next conquest?" he asks casually, fishing his phone from his jacket and tapping away at the screen before holding it up for Joonmyun to see. "Ever heard of Grindr?"

3 shots of tequila later, Joonmyun's vision starts to go blurry, and he's only half aware of the shutter sounds as Chanyeol holds up his phone in front of his face.


******

Joonmyun wakes up the next morning on his couch with The Mother of all Headaches, fully clothed except for one missing shoe.

He squints as Baekhyun opens the curtains with a flourish, humming a cheerful melody under his breath.

“Damn, next time Kyungsoo and his fuckboy take you out drinking, I am definitely coming along,” Baekhyun says as he bends down and fishes out a piece of pink fabric from where it’s wedged underneath Joonmyun’s hip.

“I really hope you didn’t wear this,” Baekhyun comments as he holds up the g-string in front of Joonmyun’s face, making him go cross-eyed as he tries to figure out why on earth the garment was in the back pocket of his jeans.

“I think I’m gonna be sick,” Joonmyun groans, rolling off the couch and stumbling over his own feet as he makes his way to the bathroom.

Baekhyun makes a face. “Do me a favor and try to aim for the toilet this time,” he yells.

When Joonmyun emerges from the bathroom forty minutes and one refreshing shower later, he finds a glass of water next to some aspirin on the kitchen table, with a note from Baekhyun that reads ‘Went shopping for food - that bathroom better be spotless by the time i get back or you’re not getting any of it, loser.’.

Joonmyun swallows down the aspirin and searches the fridge for something that will ease the rumbling of his stomach. There’s some leftovers from the night before last, brown rice with some sweet-and-sour chicken Baekhyun had made for them, and Joonmyun sniffs it before deeming it worth the risk of food poisoning and heating it up in the microwave. He shuffles back to the couch, setting down his improvised breakfast on the coffee table before crouching in front of the large cupboard that stores his test-candles. There’s a small votive with a peppermint-mandarin blend he wants to list on the webshop as a headache reliever, and he’d rather not waste this opportunity to try it out.

He sniffs it, the sharp tang of peppermint highlighted by the notes of mandarin, and runs his fingers along the teal and brown logo bearing his name on the small candle holder.

JM's Candle Factory© had started as a college project, when Joonmyun had to write a business plan for a one-man company as an individual assignment. His grandmother had taught him how to make his own scented candles, and Joonmyun had inherited her keen sense of smell (and a slightly dangerous fascination with fire). It was just a hobby back then, but Joonmyun really knows his fucking candles. Kyungsoo's friends in the art department loved them (especially the Rosemary-Verbena candle with the uncanny ability to hide the smell of marijuana), and suddenly he'd gotten requests for bigger batches, to be sold in All Things Natural, a small shop frequented by "vegans and potheads," as Chanyeol put it.

His professor had been quite impressed with his business model for a one-man candle factory, giving him top marks and congratulating Joonmyun on his "ability to combine passion with the level-headedness of a true businessman."

It probably wasn't meant as an invitation for Joonmyun to quit his studies and use the little money left from his college fund to start up his own candle-business, but that's exactly what he did a year and a half later, to the horror of his family (except his grandmother) and the confusion of his friends (except Jongdae, whom had been delighted and said it was the best fucking joke he'd ever heard).

In a few months, he’d found two other shops that agreed to sell a selection of his goods, and although business had been modest at first, Joonmyun had powered through, setting up a webshop as well to be able to cater to more buyers. Half a year later, he now has a fairly steady income - enough to start saving up to prepare for the next step, hiring someone so he can increase production and further developing the range.

Baekhyun had moved in two weeks after the launch of Joonmyun's web shop. While Joonmyun had liked the independence living alone meant, it was foolish to keep his two-bedroom apartment for himself, especially with the extra investments keeping the webshop running demanded. Baekhyun had been a recommendation of Jongdae, Joonmyun’s childhood friend, and even though living with Baekhyun definitely has its downsides (he could give Chanyeol a good run for his money when it comes to being hyperactive and noisy), he had been the only candidate who hadn’t bat an eye at all the candle-filled boxes in the apartment and wasn’t thrown off by the fact that Joonmyun had set up what was essentially a small factory in the living room.

The jingle of keys signals his roommate’s return as Joonmyun scrapes the last grains of rice out of the bowl. “Honey, I’m home~” Baekhyun chants loudly as he drops two large grocery bags with a thud, toeing off his sneakers and shrugging off his coat. Walking into the living room, he sniffs the air curiously and cocks his head to the side. “Hm. Peppermint?”

“With mandarin. Relieves headaches,” Joonmyun replies, wincing as Baekhyun slams the door shut behind him. “Fuck Baek, can you keep it down for once,” he groans.

“Joonmyun used Aromatherapy! It’s not very effective,” Baekhyun grins, holding up his shopping bags. “Okay, you weakling, I’m gonna put these away and then you can tell me all about what sorts of crazy shit you were up to with Satan’s lovebirds last night.”

Joonmyun’s memory is still pretty hazy. He doesn’t quite recall what happened after Kyungsoo ordered that second plate of shots. Or the third, for that matter. There’s a brief flashback of dragging pink fabric down tan skin with his teeth, and - Christ, he must have been really wasted. There’s a muted ping coming from inside the couch, and Joonmyun’s fingers slide under the armrest, his fingers closing around the rectangular shape of his phone. His brow furrows in confusion at the push notification on the screen. Grindr.

Joonmyun remembers Chanyeol explaining him the marvels of this ‘miraculous app that puts you in direct contact with available gay men nearby’ and nodding along just to get him to stop pestering him.

He opens the app just as Baekhyun plops down next to him, leaning in closer to look at Joonmyun’s phone. “Ooooh, is someone finally ready to start dating again? About time you dipped that wick in something other than hot wax, if you catch my drift.”

“I didn’t install this. Chanyeol and Kyungsoo did.” He swipes his thumb over the screen, revealing rows and rows of pictures of young men.

Baekhyun points at the corner of the screen. “Look! You’ve got a message!” Joonmyun taps on the speech bubble.

you’re hot, let’s meet /sent 12.20pm

Baekhyun snorts. “How eloquent.”

Joonmyun opens the messager’s profile. There are pictures of slicked up skin, looking incredibly tan, stretched taut over bulging muscle. The man in also has a handlebar mustache.

Joonmyun makes a face as Baekhyun cackles next to him.

“Look at you, scoring a date with a bodybuilder right away!”, the younger man giggles as Joonmyun closes the app with a defeated sigh. He’s too hungover for this.

“Wait!” Baekhyun exclaims, diving for Joonmyun’s phone. “I want to see what they put in your profile.”

Profile? Oh no.

Joonmyun’s reflexes are still slowed down by the alcohol in his system and Baekhyun is already tapping at the screen before Joonmyun can pry his phone out of the younger man’s hands.

They wrestle for a bit but Baekhyun keeps the phone out of Joonmyun’s reach. “Oh my god would you look at that picture. Your name is Hotwax! You are twenty four years old, 5’7 - well that’s a lie but I guess that’s the norm with these kind of apps,” he comments. Joonmyun finally wrenches his phone from his roommate’s hands.

“Hey! I haven’t read your headline yet!”

Joonmyun takes a better look at his own profile. The picture was clearly taken last night, and as it shows Joonmyun sitting in the booth, his head tilted back as he looks straight into the camera with hooded eyes, his lips slightly parted, his tongue peeking out just a little. It looks ridiculously obscene, especially with the ‘headline’ underneath that simply says “I’m hot stuff”. The about section is equally brief (‘start-up owner looking for a good time’),
"It's hardly a start-up, it's you sitting on your ass in our tiny living room cloying around with oils and wax. And not in the fun way," Baekhyun pipes up.

Joonmyun slumps against the worn leather of the couch. “I have the worst friends in the world.”

Baekhyun pats his thigh in a gesture of comfort. “While you ponder your life choices and think about how you ended up here, I’m gonna go make some lunch. Do you want anything, Hotwax?”

Joonmyun’s stomach turns at the mention of the nickname. “I think I’ll pass.”

***

Joonmyun, much to his own surprise, doesn’t the delete the app. He doesn’t interact much with other users at first, mostly because he seems to be oddly popular with the ‘Bears’ tribe and the guys sending him messages all look like they could snap him right in half.

But it is fun to scroll through the pictures, if only to assure himself the city he lives in has plenty of gay bachelors. Kyungsoo might have been half right when he’d expressed concern about Joonmyun’s uneventful love life - his candle business takes up so much of his time and energy he barely has a social life these days.

But Joonmyun isn’t nearly desperate enough to seriously consider hooking up with a stranger through some dating app.

He isn’t tempted at all.

So when he starts replying to the messages he’s getting, he convinces himself it’s out of sheer curiosity. He chats with user SmoothMoves because the dog he posed with in his profile picture is really cute - the man’s dick-sucking lips have nothing to do with it, he tells himself. Jongin (if that’s even his real name) seems eager to meet up, but Joonmyun turns him down, and Jongin loses interest.

There’s Panda_ZT, the martial arts enthusiast, who looks downright frightening in his user pic and keeps sending him emoticon-filled messages. Joonmyun sends him a few replies to be polite but blocks him when the boy starts sending him endless lines of heart-emoticons.

Krisus_Saves keeps his interest a little longer, although the man seems more interested in sending Joonmyun pictures of badly drawn stick figures than meeting up. Joonmyun thinks his drawings are adorable in a very tragic way, but keeps replying to him, even if Kris lives too far away to date.

Three weeks on Grindr and Joonmyun hasn’t scored any dates (because you’re not really trying, Chanyeol complains), but he doesn’t delete the app either, or change his profile (because you secretly know we are right about everything, always, says Kyungsoo).

Joonmyun is sitting crosslegged on a large plastic sheet in his ‘lab’ (the left side of his living room), mixing essential oils when user OOH_SeHung sends him a message. It’s short and pretty standard (Hey, nice profile- care 2 tell me more about yourself?), but Joonmyun replies anyway (What you want to know, stranger?) because the younger man’s picture shows a boyish, handsome face, half hidden under his dark blue hoodie. He looks cute rather than sexy, and it stands out among the rows of anonymous, topless bodies.
OOH_SeHung answers one minute later (were u getting a bj when they took that pic or just really drunk???).

Hotwax says: unfortunately just drunk
OOH_SeHung says: unfortunately? so u like doing it in public places?

Joonmyun hurriedly sends an answer before realizing he probably shouldn’t encourage this conversation to go on.

Hotwax says: no! god no that’s not what i meant
OOH_SeHung says: oh, ok.


Joonmyun’s finger hovers towards the block-button. He has received enough messages from the likes of this kid to know what he’s in for - more sexual innuendos, trying to score an easy lay by figuring out his kinks… The username alone is a dead giveaway.

OOH_SeHung says: do u know ur face is uneven
OOH_SeHung says: when u smile like that


Joonmyun pauses. Actually looks up to check his reflection in the living room window. There’s a little bit of wax hanging to the tips of his bangs where they fall in his face. He pushes his hair back and tries to smile seductively. There’s a definite droop in his left eyebrow and the right corner of his mouth. Huh.

OOH_SeHung says: looks cute.
OOH_SeHung says: so w/ kind of business do u run


Joonmyun would later say it was the combination of being momentarily stunned by the boy’s casual insulting compliment and being high on lily of the valley-fumes, but he replies instead of blocking him.

Hotwax says: i sell handmade scented candlesOOH_SeHung says: wow
Hotwax says: surprised?OOH_SeHung says: u dnt seem like the type for it. too slick.
Hotwax says: sorry to disappoint


Joonmyun wonders if the insult is a flirting strategy. He’d heard about negging before, but he had no idea it was a thing for gays as well.
OOH_SeHung says: paraffin or soy

Hold the fucking phone. Could it really be? A like-minded, candle-loving, wax-savvy single gay man living within a thirty-mile radius of Joonmyun?

Hotwax says: Soy, but paraffin for votives.OOH_SeHung says: beeswax too expensive?
Hotwax says: yeah
Hotwax says: how did you know? you make candles too?OOH_SeHung says: no. my cousin’s obsessed with them. likes to educate ppl on candles.
Hotwax says: sounds like your cousin is my typeOOH_SeHung says: she’s like 12 yrs old
Hotwax says: omg bye *backflips into the sun*


Joonmyun throws his phone on the couch and inhales deeply, feeling the prickle of rosemary and lily of the valley aroma’s in the back of his throat.

It is by far the worst opening conversation Joonmyun has had on Grindr so far, and yet OOH_SeHung seems undeterred, because when he looks at his phone again 3 hours later, there are 9 new messages from him waiting in Joonmyun’s Grindr inbox.

Instead of blocking the guy and forgetting about the whole incident, Joonmyun replies (he will later swear it was the combination of being caught off guard by the boy’s straightforwardness and being high on lily of the valley-fumes).

Sehun (if that’s even his real name) shows genuine interest in Joonmyun, even though he seems more invested in offhandedly humiliating him than getting in his pants.

His questions range from slightly absurd (is your second toe longer than your big toe?) to shockingly direct (do you feel like a failure for dropping out of business school?).

Joonmyun finds himself answering all of them, almost mechanically, because Sehun is just a tad too blunt, too curious to come across as calculating. He seems perfectly harmless.

Joonmyun, who prides himself on being able to read people like an open book, deduces this from the absence of an evil glint in Sehun’s profile picture (being around Chanyeol, Kyungsoo and Jongdae for years has taught him to quickly pick out anyone who is up to no good). In addition to this highly scientific method of profiling, Joonmyun soon suspects that Sehun is just a sweet kid lacking people skills.

OOH_SeHung says: i moved to this city 2months ago. i hardly know anyone here.
Hotwax says: not sure if Grindr is the best place to make *friends*...OOH_SeHung says: friends. fuckbuddies. you know, company.
Hotwax says: those are 2 very different thingsOOH_SeHung says: are they?ppl don’t rlly stick around
Hotwax says: that sucksOOH_SeHung says: thatsok its my own fault. im not very good at reading people.
OOH_SeHung says: or complimneting them
Hotwax says: no shit
OOH_SeHung says: so what did u have for breakfast i had pancakes yum


Joonmyun doesn’t feel like he’s being wooed, but it is rather nice to compare notes on other Grindr users with someone as blunt as Sehun (”have you talked to the dude who keeps doodling animals that look like eggs on legs?”). Sehun starts reporting back to him after every failed Grindr date, and Joonmyun likes to complain about his best worst friends in return.

Hotwax says: and then Kyungsoo locked him out, buck-naked, and i spent the night before my Statistics exam babysitting a very drunk&upset Chanyeol. & naked.
OOH_SeHung says: wow
Hotwax says: did i mention naked.
OOH_SeHung says: sounds like an odd couple
Hotwax says: very, very odd
Hotwas says: Chanyeol once told me he’d always wanted a nice tall bf and i know for a fact Kyungsoo prefers the company of quiet, intelligent people so idk how they make it work but they do
OOH_SeHung says: i ship it


***

Sehun sends Joonmyun pictures of a graphic t-shirt he has designed himself, and talks about his work at the local flagship store of a preppy fashion brand. They bond over their shared hatred of capri pants.

When Sehun tells Joonmyun about an upcoming date with Magic_XM (”he’s really funny when he’s not spamming me with dick pics”) two and a half weeks later, he feels a small pang of jealousy.

And thus, Joonmyun’s resolve not to go out with a handsome gay bachelor living nearby slowly crumbles.

***

Joonmyun phone beeps as he finishes boxing up 350 coconut-raspberry tealights, a custom order that had had kept him occupied for most of the afternoon. His head is pounding because Baekhyun had come home earlier from visiting his girlfriend, visibly upset, and had locked himself into his bedroom, blasting Scissor Sisters at maximum volume (Baekhyun’s ‘war time music’, as he calls it). Joonmyun has lived with Baekhyun long enough to know this means he and Sunyeong had gotten into a fight again, and it was time to hightail it out of the apartment before Baekhyun reaches the stage where he starts boozing it up only to end up a sobbing, whimpering mess in Joonmyun’s arms (his roommate has a certain flair for drama).

Joonmyun swipes a finger across the screen. It’s a Grindr message from Sehun (‘I’m bored, what are u up 2?’).

He remembers what Kyungsoo had said on their last night. "You should do something exciting. Something new."

Joonmyun sends a reply to Sehun. Roommate trouble, need to get out of here. Want to get drinks?

Sehun’s reply comes fifteen seconds later. Pick a bar, will meet you there asap.
Joonmyun likes to think Chanyeol and Kyungsoo would be proud of him.

Grabbing his phone and his wallet, he makes a quick stop in his own room to throw on a different shirt that smells less coconut-y. It’s a simple cotton black v-neck, and Joonmyun briefly wonders if he should look smart for the occasion. But Sehun seemed pretty easy-going and definitely not the type to dress up, so Joonmyun sticks to his jeans and t-shirt combo.

He manages to slip out of the apartment on socked feet, unnoticed by Baekhyun (now wailing along to Filthy Gorgeous), putting on his sneakers just outside the door before sending Sehun the address of a cocktail bar a few blocks away.

Joonmyun feels confident as he pulls his jacket a little tighter around himself to shield him from the cool spring breeze. If Sehun turns out to be a drag, Joonmyun can always use Baekhyun as an excuse to go back home. Really, there is no way this can go wrong.


***

There are so many ways this can go wrong.

It’s taking all of Joonmyun’s willpower to stay seated in the high chair and not run back to his apartment (even if he’d have to deal with a drunk, emotional Baekhyun there).

Sehun is late. They hadn’t technically agreed on an hour, but when Sehun had said he’d be there asap, Joonmyun hadn’t realized this was a rather vague concept and now he has spent the last thirty minutes wondering if he’s being stood up or not. Perhaps Sehun hadn’t been able to find him, sitting at one of the high tables at the back of the bar? But then surely he’d have sent him a message - and Joonmyun hadn’t seen anyone come in that looked like Sehun.

Joonmyun nervously pokes at the melting icecubes in his empty glass with his stirring stick. He’d downed the cocktail almost in one go so he would stop being so damn jittery, but it hadn’t helped much. Sending Sehun another message might come across as clingy, or desperate. He tries to school his face into a less constipated expression. Would Sehun be able to recognize him at all? Joonmyun looks at his Grindr profile picture (it’s still the same, he hadn’t changed anything about his profile since Chanyeol set it up because all the selfies he’d taken had been considerably worse) and stealthily tries to compare it to his reflection in the window. A passer-by outside gives him a strange look. Dammit. So much for stealth.

Thirty-five minutes have passed, and Joonmyun is still sitting alone. This was a mistake. Big mistake. Huge. And - oh God, what if Sehun had spotted him from outside the bar and went straight back home?

He decides to blame someone else for his misfortunes. Kyungsoo and Chanyeol, those evil twats, with their stupid ideas to get Joonmyun laid. They owed it to him to come save his ass, Joonmyun thinks as he scrolls through his contact list and taps Chanyeol’s name.

“H-hello?” Chanyeol sounds a little out of breath. That big oaf really needs to starts working on his stamina.

“Chanyeol, I don’t know what you’re doing but you better drop it right now and get your ass over to Knot & Whistle because I am being stood up and it’s all your fault,” Joonmyun hisses.

“Uhhh.. wha?” There’s rustling on the other end of the line and for a moment, all Joonmyun can hear is Chanyeol’s laboured breathing. Then he hears Kyungsoo’s voice, mumbling something in the background.

“Chanyeol?” Joonmyun asks impatiently.

“Yeah - yeah, sorry, I’m here, I just… you were saying?” Chanyeol’s voice catches on the last words and suddenly it dawns on Joonmyun.

He lowers his voice. “Fuck, Chanyeol, you better not be doing what I think you are.”
He curses himself for his godawful timing.

“Nnggh, it’s okay, just - talk to me.” Chanyeol pants into the receiver.

Joonmyun pulls his phone far away from his ear, furiously tapping the red button. Worst friends ever.

He contemplates calling Jongdae. Or Baekhyun. They could drown their sorrows together. Or he could leave. Actually, leaving sounds like a way better option right now. Saves him the public humiliation of being the human tissue of his roommate.

Joonmyun stands up just when another customer walks in. The man scans the room, locking eyes with Joonmyun, and there’s a flash of recognition as he walks up to him. It’s Sehun. Sehun, who looks nothing like his Grindr-picture.

“Oh, fuck me.” Joonmyun whispers.

***

Joonmyun experiences Sehun walking towards him in slow-motion. He sees how people’s heads are turning as he walks by, how Sehun seems to get taller with every step (Joonmyun can already tell he’ll tower over him), how Sehun’s pouty mouth gradually morphs into a smile as he approaches Joonmyun.

Sehun is not supposed to look like Sin personified. He’s wearing skin-tight black jeans that cling to shapely thighs and calves, a button-up white shirt (Joonmyun can see the shape of his pecs right through it) and a dark petrol leather jacket that probably costs more than all of Joonmyun’s clothes combined.

There’s a hint of kohl around his eyes, and his lips look a smidge too red for it to be natural.
Every part of Sehun would be worth taking a closer look at, but it’s his hair that ultimately steals the show - straight, white blonde locks reaching well past his shoulders. Sehun passes one of the low hanging ceiling lights, and his hair flashes a silvery purple. Joonmyun can see a row of helix piercings where Sehun’s hair is tucked back behind his ear.

Joonmyun has a Grindr date with Rocker Legolas and he is not at all prepared.

“Hey.” Sehun has a nice, deep voice and Joonmyun is Beyond Screwed.

“Uh, hey… Sehun?” Joonmyun asks, hoping that maybe this Porntastic Fairy is not the guy he showed up for a date with wearing worn-down sneakers and a basic ass t-shirt.

Up close, Sehun looks even more stunning, and Joonmyun is acutely aware of how impossibly tight those pants are because he can see everything. Joonmyun’s head snaps up. Don’t look at the dick, don’t look at the dick, focus on the eyes!

“Yeah,” Sehun chuckles. “Sorry, my profile pic is getting a little old,” he says as he sits down at the table next to Joonmyun. “I’ve been thinking about changing it.”

“But I like that picture,” Joonmyun says. “You look..” Oh shit. He wants to say ‘you look adorable in it’ but they are both grown men and there is nothing about this Hot Piece of Ass in front of him that’s adorable.

“Yes?” Sehun asks expectantly.

“... Casual in it?” Joonmyun offers. It’s not exactly a compliment, but Sehun doesn’t seem to take offense. “Speaking of casual, I feel a little underdressed. My uh - roommate was having girl-trouble and I had to get out of the-” Joonmyun’s stammer is interrupted when Sehun leans forward a bit and sniffs Joonmyun’s shoulder. So his gorgeous date hasn’t heard of personal space. Joonmyun is in real trouble.

“Is that coconut?” Sehun asks.

Damn those essential oils and their potent smells. Joonmyun smiles apologetically. “Coconut and raspberry. Final batch of the day. Do you like it?”

“Yeah. Smells nice.”

“Ah. I- uh, would’ve brought you a sample if I had known.” Awkward.

Sehun gestures towards Joonmyun’s near-empty glass. “I hope I didn’t keep you waiting for too long. Traffic was a nightmare.”

“It’s fine.” But only because you are ridiculously hot, Joonmyun thinks.

Silence.

Joonmyun fidgets with the hem of his shirt, frantically trying to come up with something to keep the conversation going.

Sehun on the other hand, is completely oblivious of Joonmyun’s panic, scanning the menu with his tongue between his teeth.

“What are you drinking?” Sehun asks.

Joonmyun flushes beet red. “Uhm. Amaretto and coke.”
Sehun scans the list until his eyes land on the unfortunate name of the cocktail. “Ass Candy,” he reads.

Joonmyun would be perfectly happy to die right here and now. Sehun doesn’t seem to be fazed at all and waves a waiter over to their table. “One Ass Candy for him and a Death By Sex for me, please,” he says.

Joonmyun has to give credit to the waiter for not batting an eyelash at the order.

“So, how was your weekend so far?” Sehun asks.

***

Talking to Sehun is different. Joonmyun can’t quite figure out how a gorgeous man like Sehun can be so ignorant of the (not-so-casual) glances the other patrons keep throwing at him. It’s a whole new kind of confidence - nothing like Chanyeol’s loud brashness or Kyungsoo’s sub-zero cool; Sehun is resolute and intense, keeping his attention fixed on Joonmyun as if he’s the only one in the room (Joonmyun finds this slightly thrilling).

***

“The next round’s on me,” Joonmyun says.

Sehun waves him away. “No, I’ve got it. I feel bad for keeping you waiting for so long.”

“Well, aren’t you the perfect date,” Joonmyun replies before he can catch himself.

Sehun shifts in his seat. “You’re the first person I’ve met through Grindr who seems to think so.”

Ah yes, Sehun’s infamously bad Grindr-dates. Though it’s a mystery to Joonmyun how a hot guy like Sehun fails to get laid with even the thirstiest of gay singles.

“Perhaps you’re learning.”

“Or maybe you just have really low standards.” Sehun says it’s so matter-of-factly, Joonmyun believes he doesn’t realize how insulting it sounds.


***

Joonmyun’s third Ass Candy is almost empty when he gets a text from Jongdae. He cringes.

“Is everything okay?” Sehun asks.

“Yeah - Baekhyun apparently reached stage four of his Sunyeong madness.”

“Stage four?”

“Incredibly drunk and incredibly clingy. He’ll be fine after he pukes.” Joonmyun sighs. Always so dramatic.

“Do you need to go home?”

Joonmyun shrugs. “Nope, he’s at Jongdae’s.”

“Oh.” Sehun worries his lip, looking hesitant for the first time. “Well, if he’s not at home… perhaps you could show me your candle collection?” he asks nonchalantly.

Joonmyun knocks back the rest of his drink. “The place is a mess though. I didn’t clean up my stuff from this afternoon yet and who knows what Baekh-” he interrupts himself as something clicks inside his head. “Wait, when you say ‘show your candle collection’....”

“I meant if you want to go home and fuck.” Sehun adds helpfully. Fucker doesn’t even blink about it.

“I. Um. Sure?” Joonmyun squeaks.

Yeah, Sehun’s intense alright.

***

The five-block trip to his apartment feels like the longest walk Joonmyun has ever taken, because with the way Sehun’s arm is wrapped around his waist, his hand slipping in Joonmyun’s back pocket to cup his ass, they might as well be carrying a giant neon-sign saying “We’re about to have sex”.

As they round the corner leading up to his apartment, Joonmyun realizes they haven’t even kissed yet. A true Grindr hook-up. Kyungsoo would be proud.

***

The smell of coconut and raspberry is rather overwhelming when Joonmyun opens the door, and he prays Sehun won’t be turned off by it. He catches a glimpse of the living room, trying to see if Baekhyun hasn’t made more of a mess, but suddenly has his arms full of Sehun as he’s being pushed against the wall. With Sehun standing so close to him their chests are touching, the height difference is even more noticeable. Sehun’s slim, like Joonmyun, but his shoulders are broad and muscular, and Joonmyun doesn’t doubt Sehun could fuck him pinned to the wall like this, keeping him up and spread out with those well-built arms. The idea alone makes his knees buckle, and he’s thankful for Sehun’s hands around his waist, keeping him steady as his thumbs draw circles against his lower ribs.

“Can I kiss you?” Sehun asks with a raspy voice. Joonmyun feels like they’ve been going about this all backwards. But he’s not about to point that out to Sehun.

Instead, he tips his head back invitingly, lips parting as Sehun meets him halfway - it’s soft and gentle, in sharp contrast with the way Sehun has him pinned against the wall. The difference has Joonmyun’s head spinning. Sehun presses a few tender kisses against Joonmyun’s lips before his tongue slips inside. It’s slow, and Sehun tastes like Death By Sex, and it’s the best first kiss Joonmyun’s ever had. Sehun’s hand travels up Joonmyun’s chest, his fingers gently cupping the shorter man’s jaw as he deepens the kiss.

Joonmyun’s hips buck inadvertently, his cock already twitching at the thought of Sehun anywhere near it.

Sehun hums approvingly, his free hand moving down Joonmyun’s sides to the swell of his ass. Joonmyun feels small with Sehun towering over him, and his hands are scrambling at the smooth leather of Sehun’s jacket, trying to find leverage, regain some form of control.

“Take - take it off.” Sehun shrugs it off quickly, and finds Joonmyun’s mouth again immediately after. Sehun’s kisses are intoxicating, but Joonmyun wants more. He rolls his hips, moaning as the friction against his his hardening cock increases. He can feel Sehun’s body respond in kind - his tight pants doing very little to hide the obvious bulge now. There’s no doubt Sehun is hung, and it makes Joonmyun’s mouth water. Sehun pulls off Joonmyun’s light jacket with ease, not breaking the kiss as he delves deeper into his mouth. Joonmyun’s hands are now twisted in Sehun’s hair, soft blonde strands pulled tight as Joonmyun sucks on his tongue.

Sehun grinds up against Joonmyun, and Joonmyun can tell he’s now fully hard. His hands fumble with the buttons on Sehun’s shirt while Sehun pushes up Joonmyun’s shirt until it’s bunched up underneath his armpits. Sehun pulls back as Joonmyun tugs open the last of the buttons, allowing him a glimpse of a smooth stomach with slightly defined abs, a soft trail of hair leading down from his navel.

Then Sehun dips his head lower, peppering kisses all over Joonmyun’s chest before letting his lips graze across Joonmyun’s nipples.

“Fuck, you’re gorgeous,” he sighs.

“Ah-you’re,” Joonmyun pants as Sehun laps at the hardened bud, “not so bad yourself.”.
Sehun lets his teeth catch against Joonmyun’s nipple in retaliation. Joonmyun hisses.

“Sensitive, I like that.” Sehun moves up, leaving a trail of kisses up his chest and neck before dragging his teeth along Joonmyun’s jawline.

The seam of Joonmyun’s jeans is now digging uncomfortably against the underside of his dick. He cants his hips, trying to find relief as he presses himself against Sehun. It takes the other man only a moment to catch on, and Sehun aligns his hips with Joonmyun, rutting up against him with controlled thrusts.

Sehun buries his face in Joonmyun’s neck, his breath warm and ragged against the sensitive skin. It’s quickly becoming too much, and Joonmyun realizes he’ll come in his pants at this rate. He gives Sehun’s belt buckle a tug, popping his own button open with one hand as he tries to pull down the fabric.

“Please.”

Sehun gets the message and kisses him again, rougher this time - a filthy, open-mouthed kiss as their hands make quick work of belt and zippers. There’s a rush of cold air against Joonmyun’s dick before Sehun’s hand is on him, teasing touches along his length, spreading the precum gathered at the tip to make the glide easier. “Y-Yours too”, Joonmyun keens as he reaches for Sehun’s tented boxer briefs. He pulls out Sehun’s cock, enjoying how Sehun shudders against him as he gives it a few tugs. Sehun’s dick is huge, and Joonmyun is both intrigued and intimidated. It has been a while for him, and riding a horsedick like that isn’t how he’d imagined being reintroduced into anal sex. But neither of them is going to last very long anyway. Joonmyun’s hand closes over Sehun’s as the other takes both of their cocks in hand, jacking them both off at a leisurely pace. Joonmyun tries to coax him into going faster, but Sehun dictates the rhythm as he rocks up against Joonmyun’s length. His orgasms builds slowly, the prickle of heat simmering underneath his skin as his breathing becomes laboured, Sehun’s muffled groans and whispered curses sending jolts down his spine. Joonmyun comes with a whimper of Sehun’s name as Sehun keeps his fingers in a tight circle around the head of his dick. A few strokes later, Sehun follows, his brow furrowed as Joonmyun swallows his moans in a kiss.

They stand there for a while, trying to catch their breath.

“Well. Se-hung. You certainly didn’t lie about that part.” Joonmyun says.

“Glad I didn’t disappoint. Are you up for another round?” Sehun asks.

***

From: Kyungsoo
To: Joonmyeon
Baekhyun told me you’re waggling about the apartment like a penguin. I told you Grindr was the way to go. You can thank me now.

From: Joonmyeon
To: Kyungsoo
I CAN’T WALK ANYMORE HE BROKE ME fuck you and your fucking ideas my ass officially hates you

From: Kyungsoo
To: Joonmyeon
I guess that means you’ll see him again

From: Joonmyeon
To: Kyungsoo
absolutely

Tags: rating: r, round: 2015
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